Two Soldiers

The two soldiers marched up the long driveway to the house. It was a grand residence built like a stately home of old. One of the soldiers rang the bell while the other knocked on the door, which was about three and a half times the size of a normal door. Presently it was opened by a young woman of very attractive aspect. She wore the costume of a noblewoman from a previous century. She looked at them with approval and gave a welcoming smile.

“We are busy rehearsing our opera,” she told them and led the way down a hall. There was the sound of an orchestra and a baritone and a tenor singing a duet, so she wasn’t making it up. In the kitchen, where a chef and two assistants were busy, she turned to the soldiers.

“You must be famished after all that shooting and marching. You can store your rifles in the broom cupboard where they will be perfectly safe.”

When they were seated at the table they were served with freshly baked bread and bowls of steaming pea soup. She placed two tablets on a saucer.

“Take this with your soup and it will make you strong.” She laughed as if it was a joke. “Now I must be getting back to the rehearsal.”

After the meal both soldiers felt weightily engorged and agreed that they had fallen in love with the young woman.

When it was time for bed, she led the soldiers into her chamber where there was an enormous four-poster. While they removed their army boots and trousers she undressed completely and they were able to admire her nakedness from all angles. The first soldier, whose member had grown to about three and a half times its normal proportions, coupled with the young woman with great enthusiasm while the second soldier stood stiffly to attention awaiting orders.

It was as the first soldier was about to mount the young woman for a second time that the enemy aircraft flew low overhead, dropped its bomb with pinpoint accuracy, and blew them all to smithereens.

When the two soldier’s families were told the terrible news, they were consoled with the knowledge that their loved ones had died a heroic death defending the nation.

(Taken from Fairy Tales and Nursery Rhymes.)

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