Go Forth and Multiply

“And God said to them, “Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth and subdue it, and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the heavens and over every living thing that moves on the earth.”

Once upon a time, in the beginning, when the earth was flat, a troop of chimpanzees was fooling about in a big tree. While they were swinging on vines, or eating juicy fruit, or picking lice off one another, or masturbating and copulating to their hearts’ content, an extreme meteorological event took place.

A massive cumulo nimbus cloud came and hovered overhead. The wind died away, there was such a profound silence that even an ant could be heard farting, and then there issued from the black underbelly a bolt of lightning of such high voltage that it travelled at twice the speed of light and was consequently invisible to the naked eye. The accompanying clap of thunder was so deafening it could be heard at all four corners of the world.

Every single member of the troop fell straight to the ground and lay there like they were stone dead. But first one and then another stirred and sat up. They had not been killed but merely stunned. It was then that they began to behave differently. Instead of climbing back into a tree, they stood upright on their back legs and looked around with a mean glint in their eyes that was entirely new. The lightning strike had altered the chemistry in their brains and they now knew how to reason.

To outsmart their predators and kick the asses of other chimpanzee troops they understood the need to grow their brains. And to do that they would have to start eating meat, big time. They worked on this strategy with gusto until they reached the point where they could claim to be the alpha species in the animal kingdom.

Without predators to keep them in check, their numbers began to grow exponentially and it was not long before they started to fight amongst themselves and hive off into warring troops. There was constant conflict but one thing they had in common: they all believed in an almighty chimp who lived in the clouds and was on their side. It was he who encouraged them to fuck their enemies over without mercy. He also told them to stop masturbating and to concentrate on copulating in order to churn out as many little chimps as possible.

Soon the world was teeming with these critters. All the remaining wildlife was either eaten or driven to the ends of the world where they fell over the edge into nothingness. The fish in the ocean were eaten up and the sea became a stinking expanse of pure poison. When the rain came it was not water that fell from the sky but sulphuric acid, which killed off the remaining vegetation

In all this time, the chimps had continued to hump and multiply at a furious rate until there were so many of them there was hardly room to swing a cat.  To make things even more horrible sanitation broke down and they were walking around knee deep in their own filth. A pandemic struck and they cried unto the almighty one for help, only to be told not to panic and carry on with business as usual as everything was under control.

Under control? If war, famine and disease did not wipe out the entire population of chimps, then the remaining few who survived committed suicide by jumping into the abyss.

It was at this point that the earth shrivelled up into a spherical lump of rock, and from outer space it resembled a giant golf ball totally devoid of life. And that was that.

(From Fairy Tales and Nursery Rhymes)

To view my longer work as an author, you can find me on Smashwords here.